February 22, 2011
A Year and a Half
I was with some of my dearest friends last night. Amy, the mom who is now in her early fifties and Molly and Sadie who are 16.5 and 14.5. I’ve known them since the girls were 2.5 years old and 6 months and they are three of my favorite people on the whole planet.
We were sitting together, catching up as we have, as a foursome, fairly regularly, for the past 14 years.
The conversation turned to school and SAT’s and why children are made to take tests. I empathized and we talked about how the brain works and how ridiculous it is to put someone in a stressful situation and then ask them to do something mentally challenging. Very very silly. And, then, I assured them how once you are out of school you rarely, if ever, have to take tests again.
We started talking about life after school and Molly said she wants to travel. She wants to have a job where she works outside. I agreed that sounded divine and suggested internships through college where she can do just that, learn about careers where you get to be outside, in nature, seeing the world and making money. And then she said it. She said the sentence that made me pause and gave me a slightly sick feeling in my belly. “I’ll be gone in a year and a half.” In a year and a half — the little two year old who I adored and cared for and found infinite curiosity in… the five year old who would climb up the walks between the door jams, the eight year old who would tell me about her friends at school and her art projects, the gorgeous 6 foot tall teenager I’m in awe of — Would be a woman and on her own. She might still be in Austin and she might not. Probably the latter. Either way, a whole childhood done. Gone. Finished. A full fledged woman among us. It made me pause.
One of the biggest messages I tell people about their children is how short the time of childhood really is and how they are going to be adults with their children far longer. But here it was, actually in my face. The little girl who has
helped me understand children and childhood is emerging into the adult I always knew she would become, which is magnificent. And, that comes with the knowing that she may go. She may be off doing her adult life in a totally different place someday soon. Ouch. Now I understand how my own mother feels when I come home. I live in Austin and she lives in NY. She loves having me with her. She loves mothering me. I resist it because I feel like somehow it puts me back in a place of neediness. But I need to stop. I need to let her be and let her love me with all her heart. Because she does. And that’s a really spectacular thing.
My point here is to once again remind everyone that this is SHORT. Short short short. It’s challenging yes, but trust it. People get older, quickly. They stop doing the things that they do as little people that make you wonder if they are going to be alright inthe world. They figure stuff out. The way a person acts at 3 is not how they are going to act at 6 or 11 or 15 or 25 or 40. They have personalities, sure, but I believe that ultimately the goal of human development is to figure out how to live respectably and respectfully in society. And if you, as parents, are modeling healthy respectful compassionate loving adulthood, your children will get there. Trustme. I see it every day.
A year and a half? Hard to believe.