May 29, 2011
Q & A: Adding a Second Child
Q: How can I prepare my child for her new sibling?
A: Adding second child is a big transition for the whole family. The way an older child handles the arrival of a new sibling, and all of the changes that entails, depends on several factors — personality, the availability of the grown ups around him or her, the amount of support his/her parents have, the temperament of the baby, etc. There’s no way of predicting how any child is going to adjust to the new situation but here are a few tips that may be helpful:
Before baby’s arrival
> Talk about when your older child was a baby. Talk about when she was in your belly and how she grew and grew and grew then came out. Look at pictures of when mom was pregnant and when your child was a baby. After doing that for a little while tell your child that you are going to have another baby.
> Read age appropriate books about having a sibling.
> Play games with dolls where you pretend the doll is your new baby.>
> Visit friends with babies.
> Most of all tune into your child. She may be very curious and want to talk all about it. Or, she may be very nonplussed by the whole thing. It’s an abstract concept so try not to worry if your child shows little to no interest in the fact that you are having another child. Follow her lead and meet the level of interest accordingly.
When baby arrives
> Have rested and fun adults around who can be playful and present with your older child while you rest and get to know your newest little one.
> Make time to be with your older child. Call it special time and find ways, even if it’s just a few minutes through the day to do it and to name it. “Oooh, this is our ‘special time’ I love being with you when it’s just the two of us.”
> Give your child verbal and non-verbal reminders that you see her and all is well. You can do this will eye contact, physical touch, sweet sounds and anything else that communicates love and connection. Connection equals safety and when a child feels safe she is able to behave in more desirable ways.
When she feels disconnected from her parents she don’t feel safe and when she don’t feel safe she may become more reactive because she is operating from a more primitive brain. When our brains feel unsafe we are like little reactive lizards trying to get attention and onnection through fight or flight behaviors. Challenging behaviors are the result of brain slippage. Brain slippage is the result of not feeling safe. Not feeling safe is the result of not feeling connected (To learn more about the brain please click here).
> Let her feel what she feels about it all. Some days she might be into having a new baby in the house and some days, well, not so much. Either way, just acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge. “I hear that you are having a tough time right now. Things are different.” “I know there have been a lot of changes and I understand that you are having big feelings.”
> Find little tasks that she can do while you are caring for the baby. “Can you go find some socks for the baby?” “Can you hand me a blanket? Thank you so much for helping.”
> Instead of saying, “No, don’t touch the baby there” or “Stop being so loud around the baby” try to give her the ‘yes’s’. For example, “Ooh, look at these little toes, our new baby loves it when you touch her toes.” “Oh look, she seems to really like it when you speak to her in a calm and gentle voice.” “I know you want to be close but the baby can’t see you when you are in her face so why don’t you do a little dance for her? She loves it when you dance.”
> Acknowledge that things have changed. It used to be just the three of you so this is a big shift. Let your child know that you recognize that things are different.
> Be honest with how you are feeling, especially when you are tired and overwhelmed.