November 29, 2011

Q & A: Meltdown at preschool pick up

Q: My daughter melts down almost everyday when I pick her up from preschool. Her teachers say it’s normal but I don’t see other children doing it. What can I do to help her?

A: It’s completely normal for children to meltdown after school. They have been working hard all day, learning new things, growing neural connections, using their best social skills, etc. By the time the day is done, they are too. And because you are your daughter’s safe base and energetic source, she is going to save her big melt downs for you. It means you are her most special one!

Here’s how you can help her.

1. Resource yourself before you get to school – Even if you take just 2 minutes to slow down, calm your nerves and get present with your thoughts and feelings, it will help. Children can sense when their parents are rushed, stressed and not present. It’s far better to take a little time to fill your cup and be slightly late, then to be early or on time and stressed.

2. Be spacious with your greeting – When you arrive to school greet the teachers and then let her discover you. She is going to be so glad to see you AND sometimes it can be hard to shift gears. If you hang back just a bit and let her notice you first, it can help smooth the transition.

3. Meet the moment – If  she’s upset, be there. If she’s joyful, be there. Whatever mood she’s in just allow it and be there. Also, it’s important to understand which brain your child is in. Please watch this video so you can understand if you are dealing with a reptile, a mammal or a human. Each brain needs very different care.

4. Let her feel her feelings – If she is upset, make space and time to allow room for the feelings. The more you genuinely allow her to feel what she feels, the faster the upset will pass. Emotions are just weather and they bubble up because the system gets overdone. And sometimes you can redirect it, but at a certain point, the storm just needs to blow in and rain and thunder and then I promise you it will blow out.

5. Get her a snack- Sometimes children need a snack at the end of the day so they have enough physical nutrition in their bodies to make a transition. It’s good have something in your bag or car to give her for the ride home. Along with some water.

6.Minimize the questions – I know that you are very interested in hearing about your child’s day after school, and asking questions feels like “good parenting” because it shows interest. However, I encourage you to minimize the questions and maximize the non-verbal connecting. It’s likely that she’s overdone and when a human is overdone they are not operating from the verbal part of the brain. Give her some space and use non-verbal ways of connecting such as eye-contact, touch, silly sounds, and lots of smiles. And then just make space. She will come around and once she does, once she has her human brain back on, she’ll be more available to chatting.

Again, it’s not just normal, but necessary, for children to be crazy-emotional in the 1-5 age range. And it might show up as aggression and melting down especially at the end of a big day. If, when you arrive at school to pick her up, you can slow yourself down, plant yourself in the ground and just try to be there. Meet your beautiful child in the moment with whatever she brings forward.

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