June 27, 2011

Q & A: Separation Anxiety

Q: When I drop my child off at school or with a sitter, he experiences separation anxiety. How can I minimize this and help my child feel more secure?

A: From an attachment perspective, it’s natural, normal and healthy for a young child to have a tough time separating from his most beloved and safe people. And, there are times when it’s inevitable that he be cared for by someone else. In order to make this easier for your child, it’s important that you, first and foremost, feel comfortable with the person your child is going to spend time with.

Your little one is having his own experience but in the early years he is also very tuned in to you and your emotions. Children can sense how their parents are feeling, especially about people, and if you are anxious your child is going to sense it and have a tougher timer separating from you.

Here are a few simple steps for easing the separations:

Step 1 - Check in with yourself. Notice how you are feeling about the person and the situation. If you are ambivalent, part of you wants to be away from your child and part of you does not, just acknowledge that both are true. If you are anxious, ask yourself if it’s because of the person or because you are worried about how your child is going to respond to the situation. If it’s because you are worried about your child remind yourself that you love and trust the caregiver and that you are just feeling anxious. If it’s because of the person, trust your gut and make other arrangements.

Step 2 - Take some deep breaths and let your body relax.

Step 3 - Connect with your child beforehand. Fill him or her up with some play and love. Be there, really be present, even just for five minutes. It can help smooth the transition.

Step 4 - Tell your child what’s about to happen and who he will be spending time with. Look him in the eye and say something like, “Hey, in a few minutes we’re going to school and you are going to be with your teacher. She is so kind and takes such good care of you. We are so lucky to have such good people in our lives.”

Step 5 - Acknowledge whatever feelings arise when you are separating. “I know you are sad. I can see that. Saying goodbye can be so hard.”

Step 6 - Have the teacher or sitter connect and get him engaged in something and then say goodbye relatively quickly and remind him that you will be back.

Step 7 - Upon your return, tune in to how your child is acting and feeling. It’s normal for your child to have big feelings when he returns to you after time with a caregiver. Do your best to be present and listen and empathize with feelings.

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