March 25, 2011
Question & Answer
Q: Our son turns 2 on Wednesday of this week. We’ve noticed that he is using more hitting when he doesn’t get his way, receives discipline, etc. Are there any tricks or some guidance you can provide in how to handle a 2 year old boy who’s resorting to hitting?
A: Sorry to hear that things are tough right now. Remember, you will see some more challenging behaviors around the whole’s and the half’s.
So, as he hits his 2nd birthday, it’s very likely that he’s in a growth spurt and he’s going to go into a phase of disequilibrium. And, he’s going to hit more, have more melt downs, be more whiny, etc.
It means he’s growing. More talking? Body changing? Moving differently? Look for what’s changing. What’s there that wasn’t there before — physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, etc.
It’s not fun for you and I assure you it’s not fun for him. You do need to hold clear boundaries AND just know that the behavior means he’s feeling off balance and he’s very frustrated. And needy. He’s trying to connect. It’s unfortunate, and a bit ironic, that the times you least want to be around your child are the times he NEED you the most.
It will pass but right now, when you are with him, it’s important to be present and SLOW DOWN. And, give way more positive attention to him when he’s NOT hitting then you do to him when he is hitting. Say things like, “I love you and I’m having such a great time being with you.” “You wore a red shirt today!” “Thank you so much for telling me what you need. I appreciate it when you use your words.” “Thank you for being so gentle and kind to my body.” Do this A LOT.
Ideally you want to connect and give him love and attention and hope that some of that will quell the hitting. Why? Because the connection, the love, and the understanding is allowing his brain to feel safe and when his brain feels safe he’s less vulnerable to slipping into the more primitive parts of his brain. It’s in the more primitive parts that he’s more likely to reactive with fight or flight instincts.
If he hits, which he will do, just get up and walk away. Try not to make a big deal. Be quiet for a few moments and see what happens. After a bit, but not right away, you might say, “Oh you forgot that it’s not OK to him me. That hurts my body, I needed to move and take care of myself.” And, let him have his feelings. It’s better to disengage so you can stay regulated, rather to stay engaged and risk becoming disregulated and upset.
Oh, and remember that right now he probably needs to have some big meltdowns. It’s just part of the birthday disequilibrium stuff. Not fun but it means he’s acquiring new skills that are moving him forward toward a more mature system. It’s a long process and y’all are in it.