April 25, 2011
Question & Answer
Q: My child is only 4, but I am already seeing signs of “bullying” on the playground. What are some tactics for preventing my child from being bullied, or preventing him/her from bullying other children?
A: First, it’s important to be extremely mindful about how you, and other adults and caregivers, are speaking to and treating your children. They are watching your every move and if you are speaking harshly or in any way “bullying” them, or anyone else around you, they are going to be more apt to bully others. Or, to be bullied by others.
Second, it’s really important to understand that when someone is bullying someone else it means they are stressed. They are in their reptile brain and they are scared. If a child is bullying another child it’s because for whatever reason — hungry, tired, scared, threatened, not feeling connected to the people around them, etc. — they are feeling bad and need someone, usually a caring and calm adult, to help them re-balance.
If your child is bullying… slow down, connect and try to bring some play into the situation. If you try to tell them why they should be nice before you calm yourself down and connect with the child it’s likely he or she are going to continue the behavior. Why? Because they are already stressed and a stressed parent just adds more stress to an already stressed child. Calm yourself down and then help the child.
If you child is being bullied, as Lawrence Cohen says in his book Playful Parenting “Stand back with your eyes open and step in with a light touch.”
In other words, don’t rush in, give it some space and see what happens. Often children resolve things on their own. Wait and see what happens but keep your eyes and ears open. If you need to step in, do it slowly and calmly. If you need to get your child out of the situation, do so. Talk about what happened afterward, not right away but later in the day or evening once every has had a little space from it. Ask open ended questions and see how your child perceived the situation before you impart your perception of what was going on. You may be surprised.
Li’l nuts “The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.” -Anonymous