January 02, 2012

The radical evolution in parenting… Part Three

It’s time to get practical. In part 1 I talked about the paradigm shift taking place in parenting. In part 2 I talked about how that shift in perspective can be applied. In this part I’m going to give you hands on tools, from the “new paradigm” perspective that you can use right away.

No child is immune to meltdowns. They are part of early life and necessary for development. That said, by arming yourself with the most effective information and tools you can prevent most unsavory behavior from happening or minimize the duration of the tantrum when your child slips into his reptilian brain. Here’s what to do before, during and after the episode. (note: I’ll be using him/his throughout for simplicities sake)

Prevention is the key. When it comes to navigating the tough times with your little ones, the best offense is a good defense. You can maximize the amount of time your child is feeling regulated and in his human brain by being extremely aware of tending his physical and emotional “cups” and doing your best to keep him relatively full. The best way to keep him topped off is by taking care of yourself and making sure you are regulated. Next, it’s important to keep tabs on his physical needs such as food, water, sleep, exercise, etc.  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, ensure your child is emotionally full by connecting with him often.  This means making eye contact, giving him burst of your undivided attention, being playful and expressing genuine appreciation and love. If you do these things, family life has the potential of flowing smoothly more than not.

And there will be meltdowns. As good as you get at prevention, every child will slip. Let’s frame this in the context of a real life example. Let’s say you’re at the grocery store. Well, hopefully you instinctively took some preventative measures up front: you fed your child a snack before leaving the house or getting out of the car; made eye contact and told your child where you’re going and why; you connected with him; maybe you even set up some sort of challenge or game like “I spy” in the store. However, if you sense a meltdown coming – you’ll know by incessant whining or whimpering, or not being a good listener, or being really bossy and yelling.

The first thing to do is to slow down. Literally. Stop your cart. Stop shopping. Take a breath and bring your attention to your child. Try to connect with him – make good eye contact, relate and empathize. For example, you could say with emotion, “I know you want to go to the playground and I can see you’re frustrated. And we’re almost done. Thank you for being so patient.” pause, pause, pause, pause. “Hey! Let’s go down 2 more aisles and then we’ll check out and drive right to the playground. It’s going to be so much fun!” Then guide his attention by being animated about something in the store and make it fun like “Oh my gosh! Look at the crazy looking leprechaun on this cereal box! He’s cooooool! What color is his hat??”
Whatever it takes…you get the picture.

If that doesn’t work and you just can’t stop the meltdown from coming. He’s flopping on the floor and kicking and screaming and just totally losing his cool – the first thing to do is just stop. Stop your body and your mouth and take a deep breath – you need to stay regulated or you’ll just throw gas on his little raging fire. In some cases, you can soothe him on the spot; in others, you’ll need to park your cart, pick up your child, and  walk out of the store and get into the car.

Once you are in the car, check in with yourself. Notice where you are tense and how you are feeling. If you are feeling frustrated and/or angry do something that gets the energy out of you. One suggestion is to cover your mouth with your hands or arm and scream. Just let it out. Next, take a breath and remind yourself that you are safe and that this is just a challenging moment that will pass. After you’ve regulated yourself a bit, check in with your child. Sense what he might be feeling. Take a moment to just be there. Go slow and just let there be some space. Once things have settled, even a bit, offer a snack or find an area to move your bodies.  If you can, manage his expectations, take him back in the store, and finish your business; otherwise, head home and regulate. Get him what he need – physical or emotional nutrition, and he’ll come back into their human brain.

Good stuff, right? I  want to scream it from the mountain tops because I know how powerful and effective it can be.  And I have tons more to share. Tons! And I want you to have it all. That said, I’m crafting something amazing for 2012. Something so big that I can guarantee it will transform your family life.

It’s brewing so stay tuned.

 

 

 

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