December 22, 2011

The radical evolution in parenting you MUST know about – Part One

There is an evolutionary transformation, a paradigm shift, taking place in our understanding of babies, human development and parenting. The research that has been conducted and proven over the last 30 years in a variety of fields continues to profoundly change the ways in which we can best parent our young ones. So let’s roll up our sleeves and take a look at just what is causing such a leap forward in what we know about child development and parenting.

In order to understand the practicals of parenting from this new perspective, it is important to frame the shift that is taking place by describing the “old” model versus the “new” model.

Our “old” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies in the womb are passive passengers

> They do not possess enough brain structure for memory

> They arrive as “blank slates”

> A child’s misbehavior has malicious intention and needs to be disciplined out of them

> A parent’s main responsibility is to “discipline” the child

The predominant belief was that babies do not arrive as people. Rather, they arrive in the world as “blank slates” and it is the parents’ responsibility to fill them with knowledge and train them up to be socially appropriate.  In fact, the idea went so far as to suggest that a human child has both “good” and “bad” and  “right” and “wrong” tendencies in them, and it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that their child is “good” and understands “right” from “wrong.” Basically, the assumption was that the child becomes an adult completely based on how the parent molds their offspring.

Our “new” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies are conscious

> They arrive as whole people

> They have primitive brains, bodies and nervous systems that need external regulating for quite some time

> They come equipped with inherent primal drives to connect, explore, learn, grow and be accepted by society

> Their “misbehavior” is “stress behavior”–the result of neurophysiological dysregulation

> A parent’s main responsibility is to guide and regulate

To simplify—and this is foundational to the new model—your children were born into this world already whole and complete and the main things they need from you during early development are connection, kindness, respect, love,  physiological tending (food, a safe and enriching environment, etc.). AND, perhaps most importantly, emotional attunement and nervous system regulation.   This understanding is HUGELY different from what was commonly known about children and parenting by our parents’ (and their parents’) generations.

So what does this mean? It means that you are not ultimately responsible for who your child becomes as an adult. Their personality, their likes and dislikes, what types of people they’re attracted to, what kinds of food they enjoy and what activities, trades and sports they move towards – are fundamentally inherent to their beingness. However, parents are instrumental in helping children stay connected to their beingness, the awareness of who they really are, by providing a relatively calm, connected, reflective, richly love and joy-filled  environment in the early years.  Parents help steady the system for the little ones in the midst of the inevitable crazy rapid development that is taking place in the early years of life. And how does one do that? By becoming an informed, regulated present, self-reflective person.

I’m sure you have loads of questions and there’s plenty more to say so please stay tuned for part two…

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