We have worn ourselves out giving him everything he’s asking for in the last few days and finally resorted to using mean voices and being very firm and it feels awful. And I think it’s spiraled because we saw him using that kind of voice on his toys. 

It’s like we can’t safely give him limits. My husband is out of town the next few days and my pregnancy is preventing me from having tons of energy for him. But I still spend quality time with him. My husband also spent a great deal of quality time with him yesterday before he left, but he’s already awake at 6am angry again. 

Facts: he’s recently potty trained, he’s seen the crib go up and I know he senses changes coming soon.

I adore him of course, but really factually think he’s running the show around here and we are not able to put limits on his fussing, begging for TV, and I’m feeling like we are sort of losing mutual respect for each side because my husband and I are so angry and either give in because if he hears “no, no, no” he truly seems to become a terror. 

Stop us before we jump off the ledge!

Answer: The short answer is this, he’s very stressed — growing, potty training, adjusting to the nebulous idea of a new baby coming into the family, just being almost three! etc. — and he’s full of emotion, and easily dysregulated, which is the by-product of feeling so out of sorts and in flux. He’s looking for ways to get you to hold boundaries so he can have some major meltdowns. The more you dance to try to avoid the meltdown, the further he is going to push. Just hold a boundary and let him have at it. He needs the meltdown.

For example, when he wants to watch TV while he eats, if you are just not up for it, or you realize he needs the meltdown more than he needs the TV, you might say…
“I know you want to watch TV but we’re going to eat at the table together without it now.” And then boom! He will probably start to unload.

Just be there. Don’t argue, don’t rationalize, just empathically be there and wait it out. It’s really good for him to dump those feelings. He needs it.

column_break

Remember what I always say:

> Growing children NEED meltdowns, it’s how they re-balance the system while they are growing.

> He can’t always get to it himself.

> He needs you to hold the boundary (in a kind way) so he has something to push against.

> Stop talking and just be there. “I know you are upset.” A little reflection and then zip it.

> It’s WAAAAYYYY better for him to have the meltdown than for you to wiggle around trying to prevent the meltdown and then getting frustrated and resentful toward him.

> Get extra help so there is fresh, not-exhausted, energy around him as much as you can the next few days.

Follow up Question: Thank you! It just seems so weird he needs to melt down first thing in the morning after a decent restful night! MY GOSH! 

I can see that we are trying too hard to rationalize with him. Makes no sense because nobody wins and we’re all frustrated. I have never heard him screech the way he’s been doing these last few days. Even right now as I’m trying to hold this boundary that it’s not “wake up time!” 

Is a safe/ok boundary to say, “I know you’re upset. I’ll come get you when you’re finished?”

Follow up Answer: It’s definitely more supportive to be with him while he’s going through it.

It doesn’t feel good or safe to be that upset. Having a loved one calmly nearby is the ultimate. But if you will be too stressed by it, take a little time, get something to eat and then go be with him. He needs to know that he’s safe and loved in the midst of big feelings.
Good luck and get some time to yourself today.

Final follow up from Mom: Today ended up being SO much better!

He happily and peacefully went to bed! He was snuggly in between terroristic activities, but he’s almost 3. It’s just good to know to expect these.  Surely he got his anger out, but we shall see. 
Totally completely helps Carrie. Thank you!!

Go forth and LOVE!

Uh, yes please!

I noticed she was friends with my friend Jennifer on Facebook. Casually I said to Jennifer “I would really love to meet that woman.” She immediately said, “You have to email her right now and ask her to dinner. See if she’s free. Just put it out there!” I hesitated but then said to myself, why not? What do I have to lose?

So I did it. I emailed a perfect stranger to say, “Hello, I think you are awesome and I would like to take you and your boyfriend to dinner this evening if you are available.”

Well, what happened next was amazing. She emailed me right back, told me she was completely flattered, and, although unavailable to meet for dinner, would love to connect because she was thoroughly impressed by my work and website (yet another reason to thank Jennifer and her studio Viewers Like You!)

column_break

We connected, the mutual love fest began and in December she invited me to do an interview on her internet channel Glimpse TV.

Here’s the interview in which I offer an overview of my work and share a bit about my signature program, Evolve 2012. But most importantly it gives you a taste of the infectious joy Ms. Northrop naturally exudes. Drink it in! I trust you’ll enjoy watching this as much as I reveled in my time with Kate.

I’m also excited to share with you a video created to illuminate just a fraction of the expansive growth Evolve 2011 participants experienced.

Do you want to look back on 2012 and be able to say:

• I am now parenting with intention and guiding our children in a way that is deeply connected and offers them a healthy space to grow.
• I am now totally, 100% committed to self-care and I see the difference it makes in my parenting.
• I am now on the same page with my partner—as parents, friends…and lovers.
• I feel supremely comfortable about our finances and in my ability to impart healthy habits to our children.

Evolve 2012 will offer you a year’s worth of my time, energy and passion—the very best stuff in the areas of parenting, personhood, partnership and prosperity. All of it. With Evolve 2012, together I will help you re-wire your brain for more love, more joy, more fun and way more connection with yourself, your children, your partner and your money.

column_break

 

Over the next 4 days I will be sharing a series of FREE video gifts, all of which will instantly solve challenges relating to parenting, partnership, self-care and money. These represent but a sliver of the valuable content, wisdom, inspiration and transformation that I guarantee you’ll get from Evolve 2012.

If you are already on my list, great! You’re covered. If not, please sign up below to receive these FREE gifts – valuable tips and techniques that you can put to use immediately.

More about Evolve please! Sign up to receive your free gifts.

This past year I had created a template, that I filled out with my Evolve 2011 participants daily, where we could reflect and create. But a special one was needed in order to mark the turn of the calendar.

So on January 1st, I sent a series of questions out to my Evolvians that was similar to the daily template they were familiar with, but like I said, included a few “year end” modifications.

I invite you too, to sit down and Reflect on 2011 + Create 2012 by using the following questions as your guide. Again, I can not express how powerful a tool this simple template can be. One Evolve participants calls it her “daily vitamin” and wonders how she ever got along without it.

I often wonder that same thing myself.

Here you’ll find a downloadable template for you to use, and just below I share with you my filled-in year end/new year template. I have so much gratitude to you all and look forward to what we’ll uncover in 2012 together.

Cheers to a gorgeous New Year!

…………………………………………………………………..

Right now I feel… Grateful. A little groggy. Open. Ready. Slightly anxious. Excited.

What I’m grateful for from 2011:

• All of my clients (especially my Evolve 2011 participants) for jumping into this experiment with me at the beginning of last year, site unseen. Thank you. Seriously, thank you.
• A seemingly endless supply of great great friends in and out of Austin
• Clean and clear and loving relationships with my family members
• My freedom
• A lot of amazing travel – some for work/play and some just for pleasure
• Astounding Abounding Abundance
• My bed (that one comes up a lot in my gratitudes)
• Joel, my friend/trainer who makes exercise fun and is helping me get physically strong for the first time in my life
• All the folks who support me in my business endeavors
• A new nephew joining the family
• Love in all of it’s many forms

column_break

What have I learned in 2011?

• 1. I actually do like to exercise! And, I can workout without hurting my back. I just needed to work on my glutes and core first.
• 2. Having a year to support folks is really the way to go for me.
• 3. I’m happiest when I’m near large bodies of water.
• 4. Life is as it is. I can resist or I can accept. Accepting lends itself to more ease and flow. Resistance tends to just muck it all up. And yet, it’s part of life. Oh well.
• 5. I have some habits and beliefs around food and my body that I choose to change.
• 6. Anything is possible. The work is clearing those pesky limiting thoughts that get in the way of allowing.

My intention(s) for 2012 or I choose to feel… Gorgeous. Light. Fit. Astoundingly Aboundingly Abundant! Free. Joyful. Love love love love LOVING.

What am I joyfully anticipating in 2012?

• 1. A wildly successful Evolve 2012 – A year to focus on creating and sharing amazing insights and practical tools  (way more tools) on parenting, personhood, partnership and prosperity that can really help people retrain their brains for more love, fun and joy. Another, more focused year of learning and sharing and supporting.
• 2. Insane physical fitness -  To feel super fit and strong and gorgeous and alive and sexy and comfortable and capable.
• 3. More love – True, deep, fun, sparkly, delicious LOVE! In all it’s various forms. I’m wide open. Do as you will.
• 4. International travel – France, The Netherlands, Iceland, Belgium, Spain, Scandinavia are on the top of my list for spring. I’m also wide open to any and all other places. Especially tropical spots in the South Pacific. Yes please!
• 5. A whole summer away from Austin – Time in the northeast with my family, time on the west coast and time out of the country. I’m going to beat the heat this year!
• 6. Debby and I getting our book published. Finally.
• 7. Massively creative projects that are fun and satisfying and profitable.
• 8. More paid speaking gigs in beautiful places with interesting people.
• 9. Surprises. Lots and lots of completely delightful surprises.
• 10. Even more freedom.The ability to go where I want, when I want and do what I want to do.
• 11. Inspiration. To feel inspired everyday to create and give and love and be more alive.
• 12. More consciousness. To be more awake and present to All.

No child is immune to meltdowns. They are part of early life and necessary for development. That said, by arming yourself with the most effective information and tools you can prevent most unsavory behavior from happening or minimize the duration of the tantrum when your child slips into his reptilian brain. Here’s what to do before, during and after the episode. (note: I’ll be using him/his throughout for simplicities sake)

Prevention is the key. When it comes to navigating the tough times with your little ones, the best offense is a good defense. You can maximize the amount of time your child is feeling regulated and in his human brain by being extremely aware of tending his physical and emotional “cups” and doing your best to keep him relatively full. The best way to keep him topped off is by taking care of yourself and making sure you are regulated. Next, it’s important to keep tabs on his physical needs such as food, water, sleep, exercise, etc.  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, ensure your child is emotionally full by connecting with him often.  This means making eye contact, giving him burst of your undivided attention, being playful and expressing genuine appreciation and love. If you do these things, family life has the potential of flowing smoothly more than not.

And there will be meltdowns. As good as you get at prevention, every child will slip. Let’s frame this in the context of a real life example. Let’s say you’re at the grocery store. Well, hopefully you instinctively took some preventative measures up front: you fed your child a snack before leaving the house or getting out of the car; made eye contact and told your child where you’re going and why; you connected with him; maybe you even set up some sort of challenge or game like “I spy” in the store. However, if you sense a meltdown coming – you’ll know by incessant whining or whimpering, or not being a good listener, or being really bossy and yelling.

The first thing to do is to slow down. Literally. Stop your cart. Stop shopping. Take a breath and bring your attention to your child. Try to connect with him – make good eye contact, relate and empathize. For example, you could say with emotion, “I know you want to go to the playground and I can see you’re frustrated. And we’re almost done. Thank you for being so patient.” pause, pause, pause, pause. “Hey! Let’s go down 2 more aisles and then we’ll check out and drive right to the playground. It’s going to be so much fun!” Then guide his attention by being animated about something in the store and make it fun like “Oh my gosh! Look at the crazy looking leprechaun on this cereal box! He’s cooooool! What color is his hat??”
Whatever it takes…you get the picture.

column_break

If that doesn’t work and you just can’t stop the meltdown from coming. He’s flopping on the floor and kicking and screaming and just totally losing his cool – the first thing to do is just stop. Stop your body and your mouth and take a deep breath – you need to stay regulated or you’ll just throw gas on his little raging fire. In some cases, you can soothe him on the spot; in others, you’ll need to park your cart, pick up your child, and  walk out of the store and get into the car.

Once you are in the car, check in with yourself. Notice where you are tense and how you are feeling. If you are feeling frustrated and/or angry do something that gets the energy out of you. One suggestion is to cover your mouth with your hands or arm and scream. Just let it out. Next, take a breath and remind yourself that you are safe and that this is just a challenging moment that will pass. After you’ve regulated yourself a bit, check in with your child. Sense what he might be feeling. Take a moment to just be there. Go slow and just let there be some space. Once things have settled, even a bit, offer a snack or find an area to move your bodies.  If you can, manage his expectations, take him back in the store, and finish your business; otherwise, head home and regulate. Get him what he need – physical or emotional nutrition, and he’ll come back into their human brain.

Good stuff, right? I  want to scream it from the mountain tops because I know how powerful and effective it can be.  And I have tons more to share. Tons! And I want you to have it all. That said, I’m crafting something amazing for 2012. Something so big that I can guarantee it will transform your family life.

It’s brewing so stay tuned.

The main shift that you want to understand is that your job as a parent is to CONNECT with and REGULATE the little person versus CONTROL the child’s behavior.

Here’s a perfect example of parenting from the old model versus the new. Your child is playing and after some time he begins to assert his will – He doesn’t get his way so he flops on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying and throwing everything in sight (sound familiar?).

In this scenario, the old way of thinking would suggest your child is simply being “bad” and “misbehaving” and “naughty” and that he  “must be disciplined and taught how to be good.”

column_break

The truth is, yes, your child is indeed asserting his will. However, what we now know about the brain strongly suggests that  that your child isn’t misbehaving or being bad at all; rather he’s a dysregulated little person who can’t manage his big emotions just yet! He’s not trying to be disobedient or manipulative. No, your child is simply reacting to a mental and physical state of exhaustion, frustration, overwhelm or curiosity.  He is dysregulated and needs a parent’s loving care and guidance to get back to a state of balance.

I know what you may be thinking, “Carrie that all sounds well and good and I appreciate knowing it, but what the heck do I DO when my child is acting this way? How can I both minimize these types of meltdowns and deal with them when they are happening? Because when they are happening I really want to control and discipline my child.”

Well alright then, tools you shall have! Stay tuned for Part 3 where I will I’ll give you concrete tips and tools for dealing with challenging behaviors from the “New Paradigm” perspective.

In order to understand the practicals of parenting from this new perspective, it is important to frame the shift that is taking place by describing the “old” model versus the “new” model.

Our “old” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies in the womb are passive passengers

> They do not possess enough brain structure for memory

> They arrive as “blank slates”

> A child’s misbehavior has malicious intention and needs to be disciplined out of them

> A parent’s main responsibility is to “discipline” the child

The predominant belief was that babies do not arrive as people. Rather, they arrive in the world as “blank slates” and it is the parents’ responsibility to fill them with knowledge and train them up to be socially appropriate.  In fact, the idea went so far as to suggest that a human child has both “good” and “bad” and  “right” and “wrong” tendencies in them, and it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that their child is “good” and understands “right” from “wrong.” Basically, the assumption was that the child becomes an adult completely based on how the parent molds their offspring.

Our “new” way of understanding babies, children and parenting

> Babies are conscious

> They arrive as whole people

> They have primitive brains, bodies and nervous systems that need external regulating for quite some time

> They come equipped with inherent primal drives to connect, explore, learn, grow and be accepted by society

> Their “misbehavior” is “stress behavior”–the result of neurophysiological dysregulation

> A parent’s main responsibility is to guide and regulate

column_break

To simplify—and this is foundational to the new model—your children were born into this world already whole and complete and the main things they need from you during early development are connection, kindness, respect, love,  physiological tending (food, a safe and enriching environment, etc.). AND, perhaps most importantly, emotional attunement and nervous system regulation.   This understanding is HUGELY different from what was commonly known about children and parenting by our parents’ (and their parents’) generations.

So what does this mean? It means that you are not ultimately responsible for who your child becomes as an adult. Their personality, their likes and dislikes, what types of people they’re attracted to, what kinds of food they enjoy and what activities, trades and sports they move towards – are fundamentally inherent to their beingness. However, parents are instrumental in helping children stay connected to their beingness, the awareness of who they really are, by providing a relatively calm, connected, reflective, richly love and joy-filled  environment in the early years.  Parents help steady the system for the little ones in the midst of the inevitable crazy rapid development that is taking place in the early years of life. And how does one do that? By becoming an informed, regulated present, self-reflective person.

I’m sure you have loads of questions and there’s plenty more to say so please stay tuned for part two…

~Jane Howard

photo by max wanger

My dearest and perhaps most talented friend, Jennifer Elsner, invited me to attend an event for DiscoverHOPE this evening. I didn’t know much about the organization but I was happy to spend time with Jennifer so I decided to tag along. And here’s what happened.

First, the organization is doing great work, offering microcredit to women’s collectives in Latin America. But the women do not only receive loans to start a small business, they also receive personalized education to empower success.

To help support their mission DiscoverHOPE hold and annual benefit. There was food, there were drinks, there was a silent auction… AND there was a live auction. This was my first real live auction, with a real live auctioneer. This woman was amazing. She was so enthusiastic, almost electric. And she was working the room. The first item up for bid was a Dell computer system. The crowd went wild and the bidding began. I was thoroughly enthralled by the competition, but not interested in the item. The second item up for bid was a seven night stay in a beachfront condo in Florida, PLUS $500 in travel money. The bidding started and I just couldn’t resist. The energy was so contagious and it seemed so fun to get in on the bidding. After the first bid, just for fun, I decided to jump in. I was quickly outbid but thrilled to be in the game and decided to bid again. After about 5 bids I was the front runner, but surely someone was going to top my offer. But they didn’t, and I won! I won the prize AND I supported a really awesome cause.

I love giving and I love winning.

column_break

Photo Courtesy of Discover Hope