How do we deal with 4 and 2 year old “bratty” behavior?
Here's one of the best email exchanges I've ever had with a mom and dad who were struggling with their 4 and 2 year olds' unsavory behavior.
The reasons I'm sharing this today are three-fold:
It's a great example of how easy it is to be triggered by young children and their behavior.
How easy it is to fall into "old paradigm" thinking.
The resolution illustrates the power of shifting perspective and setting intentions.
Even though you may not be parenting little ones right now, it's possible that reading this exchange will still be of value and will somehow give you insight into your own situation.
Dad:
We're going through a very challenging period with our girls who are 4 and 2 yrs 4 months. In the last 2 weeks we've seen a tremendous amount of resistance from both girls, especially our 4 year old. They have both been exerting a lot of their own decisions that work against our requests. We've never experienced this before – thanks in large part to your wisdom – and we're finding it very challenging to turn to "playfulness" when it feels like downright disrespect and belligerence right in our faces. Could you share some thoughts when you have a moment?
Mom:
I'll add also that their uber crazy reaction to not getting their way is really hooking us, and so we are going from agitated to angry really quickly. I think they are mirroring our anger back and that's escalating the situation.
I think what would be helpful is some consequences to their actions. What do you suggest other than time out? Do you think we should do a reward chart that starts off each day with a sticker for all the areas they need to work on... being nice to each other, eating well, tidying up.... and then remove a sticker of they haven't complied?
Carrie:
I totally hear that this is hooking you both. It's annoying and really not fun to have two little people acting the way I imagine they are acting.
My honest and love-filled advice is to slow it all waaaaay down.
I think you are hooked. Period. That's the place I would start before I add in charts and consequences. What's getting triggered by their behavior? What are you afraid of? What's it reminding you of? What are you seeing in the future that is scaring you now?
The reason I ask is because I know y’all have had a really amazing run over the past many months. The girls are awesome. Great little people. You both tell me that yourselves. This is a blip. They are both still very young and both still developing. Yes, they totally need your guidance and it's a great idea to be spelling out what's expected, giving them a lot of appreciation for when it happens, getting down on their level and/or gently pulling them aside and being clear when something isn't working for you and then giving them the "yes'."
However, I don't think you need to pull out the big "old paradigm" guns. You aren't off course. You don't have disrespectful people on your hands. You have very small, very vulnerable, very needy little growing people who have to push boundaries and have to try out not doing what you want them to do, and have to try out being sassy and not appropriate. And the proper reaction is to:
Make sure you two aren't super low on resourcing because that will certainly create more challenging behavior on their part.
Get some one-on-one time with each other them. Divide and conquer.
Be really present and intentional with them this week.
Try not to let them see you react when they do stuff you are not wanting them to do. Less (reaction) is way more.
They need you to mix things up. They are four and two. You have a while before things are smooth. It's going to be easy and then it's going to be rocky. And then it's going to be easy. And then it's going to be rocky. Try to enjoy the easy and then when it's rocky, try to slow down and not over react. They are taking their cues from you. Be excellent guides. Model what you want from them.
And don't let them see you sweat;)
They can smell the fear. And they will push those buttons. Because that's what four year olds will do. And two year old sisters will follow suit.
I hope this helps. You've go this. Stay on course. It works. There's just some bumpy passages.
And remember, one-on-one time and setting intention for how you want things to go. And full cups (or at least not bone dry cups) so they can feel you present and delighting in them.
Oh and go ahead and do funny freak outs when they don't do what you want them to do. Or, just do random funny freak outs to keep them amused and less focused on ways they can mess with you.
Go rest.
Mom:
Thank you!!! I'm just so scared that they are going to become super bratty people. Our daughter slapped dad in the face on the weekend. We're just scared.
Carrie:
You are most welcome.
I know the fear of having "bratty people" is a big one.
And, unless you are super bratty to them and all the people in your lives, and you aren't guiding them through these early years, you are not going to have bratty people down the road.
They are just going to do some curiously unsavory stuff for a little while, now;)
Not fun, but certainly not worth getting too worked up about.
Dad:
Carrie, your response and the timing of the email you sent to "set an intention" was so perfect. I realized, again, that this whole parenting thing in those sticky moments is less about tactics and all about managing my own state and mindset. As the adult, I set the emotional tone.
So, I set an intention to pause "in the gap" - that moment in between the event of my kids fighting and my reaction – to pause, become aware of how I'm feeling, breathe, and then redirect with calm and ease.
I took action on this intention (I had plenty of chances to practice!) and all I can say is, it worked. Completely and entirely! My calmness and evenness squelched my kids' craziness from spiraling out of control and I gracefully redirected them into new activities and the meltdowns and fighting passed quickly. I'm grateful for the wisdom but even more for being intentional to put that wisdom into practice and get myself and my home back to peacefulness.
Ahhhh music to my ears.
YOU SET THE TONE, PEOPLE!